I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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