Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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