She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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