my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
