pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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