she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
