Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
