I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
