my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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