She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
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