I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
