You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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