better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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