Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
