I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Randomize
