I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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