Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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