Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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