I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
