dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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