Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen