You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
These 25 Soulless Industries Have Been Scamming Us For Years
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.