I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
