there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
