I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
