Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
