I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
