i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
