I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
