Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
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Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
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the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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