Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
