i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize
