Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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