Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
