I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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