So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
