He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
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We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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