i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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