You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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