I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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