I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
Randomize
