if you like me you must not know who I am
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
