Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
