my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
