God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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