she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Randomize
