at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
