I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
