So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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