if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
