not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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