I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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