please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
