Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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