i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
