Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
