i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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